What was my purpose again?

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What is my purpose?

God, what is my purpose?

GOD! I know you hear me I’m asking you what is my purpose???

This is common one-sided conversation I have with my Father. Don’t get it twisted, I’ve come a long way and I thank God for that almost daily. But now I feel stuck, worthless and useless at times, trust I know I’m not. The reason I said this is because if all my needs were met and money wasn’t an issue I still have no clue what I would want. Then other times I want to do it all, anything my mind can come up with I believe I can succeed but I usually don’t know where to begin. But successful at what? I’m so busy just trying to maintain, suffering from that ‘rat-race disorder’ I lose little of myself and my passions/focus and now it’s to the point I don’t even know what my passions are, so again I ask my Father

What is my purpose? I know You have one for me, what is God? Come on Daddy give me a hint.

By this time I’m crying and laughing and counting all my blessings. Thankful He brought me through so much painful bullshit that I can now laugh about. But the question remains

What the *bleep* is my purpose?

Oh yeah I talk to my Father the way I would talk with my mom as a matter of fact I’m more candid since He’s all knowing. (I wouldn’t dare swear at/around my mommy but I try to be as frank as possible) There’s is no point in me  praying in Old-World English since I definitely don’t talk like that. But I should try an experiment one-day and literally talk in the way most people misconstrued  prayer. Anyways….

Obviously I’m getting frustrated by this time. Because He won’t answer me or so I think. The reality is God has been working on me slowly mainly because I keep throwing a monkey-wrench in what He has in store for me but thank goodness He is patient and loves me unconditionally.

Sometimes in my dark, lonely hours have a yearning for God to manifest, like when He did back in the day when He come to Earth as Jesus. But I need that now, I know He’s with me always but God I literally want a hug, a pat on the back, comical facial banter.

So to help me with my desire for God to be tangible I use the creative and wonderfully imagination He has blessed me with.

Cut to my imagination

Jesus Junior aka JJ is the realest bluntness baddest mofo around, kind of remind me of myself except for one key thing He’s God, He does no wrong, He’s that friend you have that is the voice of reason, He’s that person that tells you the truth about yourself, He’s that friend that doesn’t drink or smoke but chilling without Him the mood isn’t the same, He’s the HNIC, He’s oh so calm, cool, and collected. Imagine if you will: You and JJ walking to the bodega to get some snacks and you see that fine-ass man

‘Yo JJ. I’m about to try to holla at that fine specimen over there coppin that Mucho Mango Azorina, it must be fate cause You know thats my favorite Azorina too’

JJ: Really!?! Girl, you already five kids by six different niggas do you really think you should be looking at another mofo? Why don’t you put that focus and energy of becoming a better person, a better mother, a better daughter??

‘Whatever JJ, I’m shit that’s why you kick with me. I am good person, mother, and daughter.

JJ: You are distorting my words I never say you weren’t good, I said become better. What has your boy crazy antics gotten you besides five beautiful children and heartache??? Seriously! When are you going to realize your full potential, you have way more to offer than leasing out your body for a few humps, which in hindsight was probably wack. Me as your bff sees greatness in you but when is your dumbass going to see in yourself?? Damn, you are the smartest dumb person I know.  But you what they say ‘you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink’

‘Whatever JJ’

As you walk out the bodega without talking to the fine-ass man.  Hating the fact that JJ is always right and loving His straightforwardness  at the same damn time.

This is how God and I would communicate if He were here in the flesh. This is sample of my talks with God go now.

So it’s aggie when I ask what Him what is my purpose is and it feels like He is straight ignoring me, because He is has answered me a many of times. It’s cool though G, two can play at that game I’m just going to keep asking and asking and asking and asking and asking and asking and asking

Dorchester/Roxbury, My Community, Don’t Pre-Judge Us

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The other day, I was talking to the gas station attendant near my job. We connected immediately because we both work the graveyard shift. I ended up visiting the gas station three times that night to break up the monotony of my job, on my last visit I finally bought gas since I was headed home.

Me: Hi Jane, I need some gas I’m finally done for the night, time to head home.

Jane (gas station attendant): Lucky you I still have three hours left, where is home?

Me: Dorchester

Jane: Oh I seen a beautiful apartment in Dorchester not to long ago.Image

Me: Oh really, what part?

Jane: I don’t remember but that rental was gorgeous. My friends and family told me I shouldn’t live in Dorchester because it’s a ‘bad area’.

I wasn’t offended but curious. I’ve been Dorchester bred for as long as I can remember

Me: What does that mean, bad area?

Jane: I don’t know (shrugs shoulders) but I wish I would’ve gotten that place.

Me: Exactly. If I were a real estate agent,  Dorchester would be my playground. I would market it as the next up and coming neighborhood because it is. Bye Jane, hope you get through the rest of your shift swiftly

Jane: Bye Rachel, get some rest.

After this conversation I got to thinking. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this preconceived notion of my community, a community I actually love, a community that is diverse and rich in culture, a community that helps its own and gives me a sense of belonging.

Perfect Example

Before the MBTA changed to environmental friendly buses, they had buses that had these steep three steps to get on and off. It made difficult for the elderly, handicapped, and  strollers. But in my neighborhood never fear there was always a stranger willing to help me carry my stroller on and off the bus, patiently help the elderly, and willing to give up their seats, and assist the bus driver by moving and rising the seat for the wheelchair bound passenger.

One day after taking my then infant son to the doctor’s in Cambridge, I decided to go to the mall since the shuttle bus was right there. It had those three steep steps, I asked the shuttle driver to give me a hand “I can’t leave the wheel” he said — b.s. of course.

I then asked stranger after stranger that were getting on to help me please, my cries went unheard.

Finally, just as I was about to take matters in my own hands and break down my massive stroller. The last passenger running to catch the shuttle, that I was now holding up because of the steps it takes to break down my stroller.

Said “Hey, Miss you need help?” It was music to my ears.

“Yes! Thank you so much.”

After he helped get on the shuttle bus we had small talk on our ride to the mall. I learned that he was from the Dorchester/Roxbury area; had two daughters; and was headed to work. Oh, did I mention he had a disorder similar to Cerebral Palsy.

This experience is a prime example of why I love my community. Even outside my community my community has my back.

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I Rock Cornrows

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After checking out this article I got inspired

http://www.slate.com/blogs/behold/2013/10/15/endia_beal_can_i_touch_it_explores_gender_race_and_generational_gaps_in.html

While in vocational school, when meeting with my career services adviser asked me ‘Is that how I plan to wear my hair as I go out interviewing?’

Honestly, the question taken me back a bit.

A little background info: I am pretty good-looking Afro-American woman. Because of my oval face and the texture of my hair I am lucky to be able to wear a number of styles and I have wore a number of styles. But my signature/go-to style is cornrows mainly because it’s low maintenance.

I asked my career adviser ‘what’s wrong with my hair?’

She said ‘Can you brush it or something?’

*Mind you I’m rockin’ a beautiful cornrow design*

My first thought was ‘You got to be kidding me?’

I told her ‘I just got my hair did I mean done two days ago specially for the interviews and no I can’t brush it. They are freshly done cornrows’

She quickly dismissed me by saying ‘Well try to brush it and throw it a ponytail’

Goes without saying the experience left a bad taste in my mouth.

The Everyday Hypocrite

I was raised to believe in and love God, and I do. My relationship with God is dope, but definitely a work in progress. But that’s the thing it’s MY relationship with God.

I’ve done some unChristian things in the past and probably do some unChristian things in the future, it’s human nature.

The thing that amazes me is how many of my peers at church are so quick to pass judgement like their shit doesn’t stink. Then wonder why so many of us prefer to be out in the ‘world’.

I’ll tell you why. Because there is acceptance, comfort, and understanding out in the ‘world’.

Example: I like an occasional drink, but I’m a far cry from an alcoholic. Let the church tell it liquor is the devil’s nectar. But we all know Jesus turned water into wine granted the alcohol content is much higher now than in Biblical times. So why is it if I grab a second glass of wine of front from certain people I get  look of silent disgust.

The church has a way of ostracizing it’s own consciously and unconsciously, this is a real problem.  I’ve experienced this and continue too in some degree.

Since God loves me unconditionally faults and all, why can’t the church community do the same??

Why must I hear whispers behind my back for having children out of wedlock? It is because my sin is tangible?

Why is it okay to married to an adulterer, but frown upon to be cohabiting with a devoted partner?

All of us fall short, all of us

Stop sweeping stuff under the rug church.  You ever know who is going through the same thing.

How it is I feel shunned, where I’m supposed to feel safe?

These are things that make me go hmmm.

I’m not trying to preach or anything thing because Lord knows I can’t quote scripture. I just wish there was little more realness in church and a lot more accountability for ones actions

Recreational Marijuana. It’s a coming

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Mary Jane, Weed, Bud, Chronic, That Woo Wee

The time to make Marijuana recreational legal in Massachusetts is fast approaching and I can’t wait.

A friend and I were talking on this very topic the other.

She’s a little more ‘hood’ than me and according to her I’m a ‘square’ and a nerd.

“There’s going to be a drought in the hood when that happens cause you can buy at the store” she said. Good point.

So why doesn’t the Weed-Man prepare for that day?

Work with the system, don’t let it work you. Research on what’s happening with states where recreational marijuana is legalized and prepare accordingly, that’s what I would do.

Open up a store, when I say store it can be a push-cart like you see in Dudley Station; a quick table set-up like the Slushy Lady at Washington Park; Even a truck similar to an ice-cream truck where you can sell edibles.

Shit, you already have the clientele and supplier. Granted now your dollars will be taxed, but so what. Weed-Man you been in business all this time anyways but now you have the law on your side use to your advantage.

Do you know how many jobs it will be created? From the cashier to law-enforcers. I  would love a career in marketing marijuana

Recreational marijuana is a coming and I for one am going to greet it with open arms.

Gone are the days of flushing systems to pass pre-employment drug test.  Where one can be judged on there skills and not what they on their personal time. People scared to see there P.O. because that sparked up a few days before.  The b.s. ‘For tobacco use only’ sign you see in smoke shops literally get throw out the window.

Disappointed Parent

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Dear Boston Public School Bus Drivers,

I am one pissed off parent of three Boston Public School students and a former BPS student myself. The wildcat strike you demonstrated yesterday was an act of pure selfishness just as Mayor Tom Menino said. You left children as young as three years old; children with mental and physical disabilities  to fen for themselves. Over 30,000 of our children stranded.

‘For what?’

Because your scared of a few new updates, updates that have been working.

Up until yesterday I didn’t have one complaint about how the buses were running. As matter of fact, this year was the first time that the buses were on-time on the first day of school. Up until today I didn’t even use the ‘Where’s My Bus’ app.  Apparently the changes Veolia Transportation implemented seen to be good changes.

My five year old loves riding the yellow bus, it’s a right of passage. He gets up every morning proudly puts on his school uniform and walks hand in hand with his big brother to the bus stop, but yesterday you tainted that for him. Luckily he is young and won’t remember, but I certainly will.

Bottom line your actions have a ripple effect on the community, that same community many of you live in and work in. The same community that came to each others aid on April 15th, 2013. Or did you forget we are Boston Strong. That we come together as one  as needed without hesitation.

Big thanks to Boston Public School; Boston Police Department; Boston Centers for Youth & Family; MBTA; and to the 30 school buses that were on the road yesterday.

Shame on you guys, shame, shame, shame.

~One Pissed Off Mother